heartbreaking numbness

Been a long time since my last post....just decided on a whim that I just may start blogging again as a way to get stuff out of my mind and heart....or I may not. For this moment that is the plan. I need an outlet to let all of this out. So here goes my attempt at bringing some relief to that which is aching in my heart......... Pouring it out before your eyes and at the feet of THE FATHER. HECK, I may not share any of this.... So much going on inside, ups, downs, good, sad, amazing, heartbreaking numbness. That is the hardest one to deal with. You see, a week ago I became the caregiver to my dying grandfather. He has stage 4 lung cancer. It has all progressed so fast. It is such an honor and a blessing to have him here and get to spend his last strides and breaths on this earth with him, but it hurts nonetheless. Sometimes I feel numb and other times I feel like screaming, because of the grief. Today we set up hospice care......This is really happening and there is nothing ANYONE can do about it, at least not anyone on this earth. All of the harsh realities of the situation carefully tucked away within a folder of paperwork we filled out today and all of those same harsh realities resounding loudly in the ears of my heart. I never want to forget the smile he gives when he gives me special gifts....... that half smile that he tries to hide. You can tell he is so pleased to see your joy and excitement. I don't want him to go yet. I enjoy sitting out on my front porch with him getting to chat or in silence. I just enjoy being with him. He sleeps most of the time. I hate when I knock on his bedroom door and he doesn't answer. It strikes fear in my heart. I think I am done for tonight.