heartbreaking numbness

Been a long time since my last post....just decided on a whim that I just may start blogging again as a way to get stuff out of my mind and heart....or I may not. For this moment that is the plan. I need an outlet to let all of this out. So here goes my attempt at bringing some relief to that which is aching in my heart......... Pouring it out before your eyes and at the feet of THE FATHER. HECK, I may not share any of this.... So much going on inside, ups, downs, good, sad, amazing, heartbreaking numbness. That is the hardest one to deal with. You see, a week ago I became the caregiver to my dying grandfather. He has stage 4 lung cancer. It has all progressed so fast. It is such an honor and a blessing to have him here and get to spend his last strides and breaths on this earth with him, but it hurts nonetheless. Sometimes I feel numb and other times I feel like screaming, because of the grief. Today we set up hospice care......This is really happening and there is nothing ANYONE can do about it, at least not anyone on this earth. All of the harsh realities of the situation carefully tucked away within a folder of paperwork we filled out today and all of those same harsh realities resounding loudly in the ears of my heart. I never want to forget the smile he gives when he gives me special gifts....... that half smile that he tries to hide. You can tell he is so pleased to see your joy and excitement. I don't want him to go yet. I enjoy sitting out on my front porch with him getting to chat or in silence. I just enjoy being with him. He sleeps most of the time. I hate when I knock on his bedroom door and he doesn't answer. It strikes fear in my heart. I think I am done for tonight.

Lots of time has passed, Lots of things have changed

Whoa! It has been a while since I last posted. A lot has happened and changed. Quick update on the adoption process------We have been matched with a son!!! He is due in September. I am taking the wise advice and counsel of those before me and using the time we have left until the arrival of our son to prepare. I am preparing mentally, spiritually and somewhat physically. I am preparing my house, my kids, my family and using this time to "rest." I know going from 2 kids to 3 will be harder then the jump from 1 to 2, bc Michael and I will be outnumbered. :)

Asa is downright excited about getting a brother and when I talk to Mairin about it she says, "baby?" Asa says he wants many babies and I think he will get his request. :)
I'm so excited and some days go so slow while other days I know the timing is perfect and he will be here before we know it. I check out those pregnancy updates to keep up with his development every week just like I would a child I carried. He is my son. <3

We are going to name him Wells. A few months ago Michael and Asa met a boy with that name and we both loved it. It is symbolic for me. There have been many wells dug in my heart and been filled with living water since the beginning of this process. As I type this words just don't express all it symbolizes or maybe it's just that I cannot find the right ones. Well, my little treasure, Mommy and Daddy finally found you! We will help you to be EVERYTHING that GOD has created you to be, son.

Update: A different route

I haven't gotten a chance to update on the adoption process, sooooo here it goes. Remember the background check I was waiting on? Well, I failed. lol The agency has decided not to work with us, bc I have 2 things that came up and their limit is 1, but it's ok we just had to take a different route. Each agencies rules are different and that just isn't where our baby(ies) is/are. Little one(s), mommy and daddy are on a treasure hunt to find you...and we will. We love you! Seriously, GOD has this and I know it!! So for that new route........We got our homestudy done yesterday...Thanks Tiffany for your recommendation!!! I think it went well. I will keep this updated the best I can as things arise.
On a another note--I am detoxing from sugar and changing the way I eat. I am on day 5 to be exact. It has been a little rough, but I can do this! The worst part is about over. The cool thing is that the "diet" I am on doesn't leave me hungry and wanting to have a snack attack. :) Thanks to my best friend LaShelle for showing me a better way and to Dr. Rob and his staff, who by the way is the best maximized living chiropractic office ever!!!! There I go with a little advertising right there!! :D
Well, it's time to get back to my day! Bless yaaaaaa alllllll!!!!

Not yet

The results of the background check are not in. Maybe by Wednesday. :)Juuuuuust a little longer, sweet child(ren).
You are loved. :)

Tomorrow

Tomorrow our background check is supposed to come back.............I already know that Michael "passed." lol I will be posting a blog when the results are in! :) Either way, GOD has this!! I just might have to jump over a few extra little hurdles, but even before we started the adoption process we didn't expect it to be completely eaaaaaaaaaaasy and smoooooooooth...so bring. it. on. Little child(ren) where ever you are, you are worth it! Mommy and daddy are coming for you and we love you! <3

Adoption

So, my heart is really burdened with adoption. From the beginning Michael and I knew we wanted to adopt. We just thought it was probably going to be MUCH later........It is definitely looking like GOD has a different plan and that it is going to be sooner. :) We started the process just a few weeks ago. We have had to answer some reallllly, realllly, reallllly personal questions, but it is stuff they need to know. They don't want to put children in bad situations. For all they know, I could be a fire breathing lobster......--alright, I am weird, but that doesn't disqualify me. lol The not so pretty part about that is I have a bit of a past.......well, a big bit of a past and that tends to put a few MINOR bumps in the road. You wanna know what though? They are minor. You wanna know why? I'll tell you....No matter the size of the "bumps"My GOD is BIGGER and HE has called me to adopt, HE placed it in my heart, HE has brought me up for such a time as this! HE knows the overall picture and during the course of my walk with HIM, HE has made what seems totally impossible in the natural world, totally happen! That is the story of my life!!!! Anyways, I could go on and on about HIS awesomeness, but I will move on. :) I started to let these "bumps" get me down, but over the course of the last 3 days or so, HE has went out of HIS way to to assure me over and over and over that HE's got this and not to let it get me down and "de-value" me or my heart's dream, my calling to adopt. I've gotten a few phone calls from different friends who didn't know what was going on, but GOD placed me on their heart to get in contact with me......to comfort, pray, assure me....and this stuff was pretty specific. WOW. HE thought of meeeeeee?! HE placed me on the hearts of others, not just once, but multiple times to bring me a message of assurance that HE has all of this mapped out. HE even gave me a dream the other night about what I need to do to get through the process. In the middle of the night I remember thinking---I need to remember all of this..........But when I woke up I did not remember a thing......... So, I asked GOD to remind me and HE said NO. That wasn't the purpose of the dream. The purpose was to show me that HE had it all worked out. That sureness I felt in my dream was mine and so was the end result. I will adopt.


Thank you, LORD.

I'm baaaaaaack......I think.....:)

It has been a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time since I have posted. I am wanting to start back up.......but we shall see, because this mama stays purty busy. It is a desire of my heart though..........