heartbreaking numbness

Been a long time since my last post....just decided on a whim that I just may start blogging again as a way to get stuff out of my mind and heart....or I may not. For this moment that is the plan. I need an outlet to let all of this out. So here goes my attempt at bringing some relief to that which is aching in my heart......... Pouring it out before your eyes and at the feet of THE FATHER. HECK, I may not share any of this.... So much going on inside, ups, downs, good, sad, amazing, heartbreaking numbness. That is the hardest one to deal with. You see, a week ago I became the caregiver to my dying grandfather. He has stage 4 lung cancer. It has all progressed so fast. It is such an honor and a blessing to have him here and get to spend his last strides and breaths on this earth with him, but it hurts nonetheless. Sometimes I feel numb and other times I feel like screaming, because of the grief. Today we set up hospice care......This is really happening and there is nothing ANYONE can do about it, at least not anyone on this earth. All of the harsh realities of the situation carefully tucked away within a folder of paperwork we filled out today and all of those same harsh realities resounding loudly in the ears of my heart. I never want to forget the smile he gives when he gives me special gifts....... that half smile that he tries to hide. You can tell he is so pleased to see your joy and excitement. I don't want him to go yet. I enjoy sitting out on my front porch with him getting to chat or in silence. I just enjoy being with him. He sleeps most of the time. I hate when I knock on his bedroom door and he doesn't answer. It strikes fear in my heart. I think I am done for tonight.

Lots of time has passed, Lots of things have changed

Whoa! It has been a while since I last posted. A lot has happened and changed. Quick update on the adoption process------We have been matched with a son!!! He is due in September. I am taking the wise advice and counsel of those before me and using the time we have left until the arrival of our son to prepare. I am preparing mentally, spiritually and somewhat physically. I am preparing my house, my kids, my family and using this time to "rest." I know going from 2 kids to 3 will be harder then the jump from 1 to 2, bc Michael and I will be outnumbered. :)

Asa is downright excited about getting a brother and when I talk to Mairin about it she says, "baby?" Asa says he wants many babies and I think he will get his request. :)
I'm so excited and some days go so slow while other days I know the timing is perfect and he will be here before we know it. I check out those pregnancy updates to keep up with his development every week just like I would a child I carried. He is my son. <3

We are going to name him Wells. A few months ago Michael and Asa met a boy with that name and we both loved it. It is symbolic for me. There have been many wells dug in my heart and been filled with living water since the beginning of this process. As I type this words just don't express all it symbolizes or maybe it's just that I cannot find the right ones. Well, my little treasure, Mommy and Daddy finally found you! We will help you to be EVERYTHING that GOD has created you to be, son.

Update: A different route

I haven't gotten a chance to update on the adoption process, sooooo here it goes. Remember the background check I was waiting on? Well, I failed. lol The agency has decided not to work with us, bc I have 2 things that came up and their limit is 1, but it's ok we just had to take a different route. Each agencies rules are different and that just isn't where our baby(ies) is/are. Little one(s), mommy and daddy are on a treasure hunt to find you...and we will. We love you! Seriously, GOD has this and I know it!! So for that new route........We got our homestudy done yesterday...Thanks Tiffany for your recommendation!!! I think it went well. I will keep this updated the best I can as things arise.
On a another note--I am detoxing from sugar and changing the way I eat. I am on day 5 to be exact. It has been a little rough, but I can do this! The worst part is about over. The cool thing is that the "diet" I am on doesn't leave me hungry and wanting to have a snack attack. :) Thanks to my best friend LaShelle for showing me a better way and to Dr. Rob and his staff, who by the way is the best maximized living chiropractic office ever!!!! There I go with a little advertising right there!! :D
Well, it's time to get back to my day! Bless yaaaaaa alllllll!!!!

Not yet

The results of the background check are not in. Maybe by Wednesday. :)Juuuuuust a little longer, sweet child(ren).
You are loved. :)

Tomorrow

Tomorrow our background check is supposed to come back.............I already know that Michael "passed." lol I will be posting a blog when the results are in! :) Either way, GOD has this!! I just might have to jump over a few extra little hurdles, but even before we started the adoption process we didn't expect it to be completely eaaaaaaaaaaasy and smoooooooooth...so bring. it. on. Little child(ren) where ever you are, you are worth it! Mommy and daddy are coming for you and we love you! <3

Adoption

So, my heart is really burdened with adoption. From the beginning Michael and I knew we wanted to adopt. We just thought it was probably going to be MUCH later........It is definitely looking like GOD has a different plan and that it is going to be sooner. :) We started the process just a few weeks ago. We have had to answer some reallllly, realllly, reallllly personal questions, but it is stuff they need to know. They don't want to put children in bad situations. For all they know, I could be a fire breathing lobster......--alright, I am weird, but that doesn't disqualify me. lol The not so pretty part about that is I have a bit of a past.......well, a big bit of a past and that tends to put a few MINOR bumps in the road. You wanna know what though? They are minor. You wanna know why? I'll tell you....No matter the size of the "bumps"My GOD is BIGGER and HE has called me to adopt, HE placed it in my heart, HE has brought me up for such a time as this! HE knows the overall picture and during the course of my walk with HIM, HE has made what seems totally impossible in the natural world, totally happen! That is the story of my life!!!! Anyways, I could go on and on about HIS awesomeness, but I will move on. :) I started to let these "bumps" get me down, but over the course of the last 3 days or so, HE has went out of HIS way to to assure me over and over and over that HE's got this and not to let it get me down and "de-value" me or my heart's dream, my calling to adopt. I've gotten a few phone calls from different friends who didn't know what was going on, but GOD placed me on their heart to get in contact with me......to comfort, pray, assure me....and this stuff was pretty specific. WOW. HE thought of meeeeeee?! HE placed me on the hearts of others, not just once, but multiple times to bring me a message of assurance that HE has all of this mapped out. HE even gave me a dream the other night about what I need to do to get through the process. In the middle of the night I remember thinking---I need to remember all of this..........But when I woke up I did not remember a thing......... So, I asked GOD to remind me and HE said NO. That wasn't the purpose of the dream. The purpose was to show me that HE had it all worked out. That sureness I felt in my dream was mine and so was the end result. I will adopt.


Thank you, LORD.

I'm baaaaaaack......I think.....:)

It has been a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time since I have posted. I am wanting to start back up.......but we shall see, because this mama stays purty busy. It is a desire of my heart though..........

Sick baby with a great daddy

Asa got sick last night. The poor thing was throwing up a lot. His little eyes were about to bulge out of his head from dry heaving after he finally got everything out. During all of this my husband was amazing. He sat with Asa and was right there with me taking care of our sick baby. He even changed the bed sheets after Asa puked all over them. I don't know if this would be significant to anyone else, but it is to me. There have been many occasions where I have heard other women say that their husbands don't help or are not involved in those types of things, so I am not going to take it for granted. I am blessed.
Asa seems to be feeling better today besides being tired. Come to think of it so am I.

19 months already???

Asa is 19 months old today. I can;t believe how fast he has grown! When I was a kid and I heard parents say that I thought it was just something parents said because they didn't have anything else to talk about, but it is soooo true!!! He makes my days so bright. I remember a few months ago how he would sort of growl at us when he wasn't happy. It was soooo funny! He doesn't do that anymore. From one day to the next he changes. He does certain things for weeks then one day he stops. Sometimes I don't notice it right away, but then I'm like, "Oh, he doesn't do that anymore." and I pout for a minute.:) I love him so much!!

So, HAPPY 19 MONTH BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE BEAR!!!

It's a new season

I have been having so much fun lately. I 've learned a lot of new things about myself here recently. I absolutely love doing the "old timey" things. I actually made my son a blanket! I am teaching myself to sew. I found out I am a lot more crafty than I thought. I am totally enjoying it! So, now for Christmas I am making a few people on the list presents. I made a scarf the other day. I get so proud when the product of my work is all finished. Also, I have this new found love of making homemade bread. I make it all the time! I love to cook and can actually say that I am quite good at it. I used to be a horrible cook, just ask my husband!;) Betty Crocker here I come!! I never thought I had it in me.
I am throwing a baby shower for one of my good friends and I have had a great time doing that too. Maybe I should be a baby shower planner. :) Can you do that for a living? hmmmmm No, seriously, can you??
I made her a 3 tierd diaper cake and it turned out so cute! Too bad the baby shower isn't until Dec.7. Hopefully my sweet little boy doesn't destroy it before then.:)
For this season in my life I have decided to slow down and totally appreciate the little things. The season before this one was very busy and hectic. I was spread quite thin. So, now it's a time to focus on the simple things. I am so thankful that the LORD has brought me to this place in my life. It's a peaceful/exciting phase in my life.
Next I am going to start canning. I am going to make jellies and jams and who knows what else.
YAY!

My sweet son

Let me start off by saying that my son is wonderful!! I just adore that kid!! This blog is a tribute to his greatness!

I just love how when he wants to cuddle with me he looks at me with those bright innocent eyes and says, "Cukkle"?--(that's his word for cuddle) It just makes me melt every time he says it and puts a magnificent smile across my face.

-How he puts buckets, bowls and other miscellaneous objects on top of his head as a hat.

-I love the way that he dances to any song with the biggest, most joyous smile that his little face can handle.

-I love crawling around in the floor and playing with him. I love seeing the obvious joy that it brings to him! I also love watching him and my husband play. It is a beautiful thing how close they are!!

I am so thankful to GOD for him.

Our Arkansas Trip

Over the weekend my little family and I took a road trip to Arkansas. We had no particular destination within the state we just wanted to see the beautiful fall trees and scenery. (This picture is one of the sights we saw.) We played the ABC game for a small part of the way up there. Michael thought you were just supposed to find each letter somewhere on a sign or license plate. I kept wondering how he was getting so many letters so quick. When I finally realized what he was doing I had to tell him we were looking for words that begin with each letter not just the letter. It was funny. In the end he still won.:)

Our first destination was Diamond Crater State Park. It was beautiful. We saw trees that literally looked as if they were glowing. The colors and beauty were jaw dropping! In those moments I saw the wonders of GOD'S creative perfection. It made me just that more in awe of HIM. We went in the the gift shop to take a look around. Asa got a cute stuffed turtle. While we were paying for it at the register Asa decided to grab a glass bowl of pretty rocks and pull them on to the floor. Needless to say, the glass bowl broke and so did many of the little rocks. They were everywhere! I was the one holding him when this took place--- I was a tad bit embarrassed. I wanted to hide under one of the little broken rocks......:) The lady assured us that it was ok.

We went outside for awhile to check out the scenery. We went and sat at a campsite and explored a bit. It was perfect! It was much colder there than here. We were wearing a few layers. Asa absolutely loved rolling around in the leaves. I loved watching him have so much fun and squealing with excitement of the new things around him. We contemplated whether we wanted to stay there or keep driving. We decided to keep driving. We are on the road quite a bit longer. We stopped and ate at this place called The Dixie Cafe. It was a cute little establishment and pretty good. We called it a night at 8 or so and got a hotel. We were going to stay in this on called to the trout motel, just BC of the funny name. (Michael's idea) I told him by the looks of it there might be trouts in our bed.:) We ended up staying at EconoLodge. We got in bed pretty quick to be well rested for Saturday. We got up at 6am and got back on the road.Destination: Ouachita Park. We kept calling it other names like OcheOche park and Quack park because we weren't exactly sure how to say it. Also, that's just what we do. We saw the 3 sister springs. The lake was beautiful. We walked around and I collected pine cones. They were so little and cute. I found a pretty rock to add to my collection. We didn't stay very long. The next place we went was Petit Jean state park. On the way there, we stopped at this cute little crystal gift show and I got an awesome mortar and pestle and a pretty pink crystal. We also stopped at a Wal-Mart to get Asa a new pair of shoes because the ones he was wearing were too small and we ended up getting one of Asa's Christmas presents. He LOVES Elmo, so we got him the new Elmo Live! He is going to be so excited!!

When we arrived at Petit Jean Park we got our lunch and had a little picnic. It was freakin' cold!!! I ended up using our picnic blanket to cover myself up. After lunch, we went and looked at the beautiful waterfall and overlook. We did a little exploring and climbed some rocks. 'Twas fun and very lovely!! Michael kept putting Asa up on his shoulders which was making me a little nervous, but other than that it was great!

This was our last major stop. On the way out we just enjoyed the beautifulness and made a few pit stops along the way. Asa was actually really good in the car. He ate so many goldfish crackers we joked he might turn into a cracker. Out of boredom Michael and I made up a few corny songs and had a magnificent sing-a-long. We can get a little weird. We had lots of laughs! It was so nice just to get away with my family, no distractions, just us.

My first post

Here I am!! Whoo hooooo!!!